


Mourning

by Rorynne



Series: Marvel One Shots [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Temporary Character Death, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 20:31:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19875646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rorynne/pseuds/Rorynne
Summary: Natasha finds it difficult to cope after your death





	Mourning

**Author's Note:**

> requested by anon with the prompts “They told me you died. And I screamed. I screamed until my lungs hurt too much to continue.” and “I thought I had lost you.”

Natasha was no stranger to funerals. One might even say she expected them at this point. You don’t get a moniker like the Black Widow without attending a more than a few. Normally, they ended up being just another evening out. She never really needed funerals to mourn. She preferred to do that on her own time, but there was something heartbreaking about a funeral with only two attendants. Especially when it was someone she cared so deeply for.

She didn’t really understand the lack of mourners. Clint came, mostly because he knew how special you were to her. And of course Natasha came, your funeral was probably one of the few she felt she needed to attend. You were a solo agent, no teammates to worry about you, or mourn you. You had family. You would talk about them during lazy days in bed. And yet, none of them came. Only she seemed to be burdened with the terrible honor of mourning your death.

She sat in front of your gravestone, knees pulled to her chest. It was a warm day, you would have liked it, she decided. You always liked warm summer days. She stared at the engraving, read it, studied it, memorized it. The way your name was gouged into the granite block, she couldn’t help but compare it to the gouges left in her heart. 

Clint tapped her shoulder, “It’s getting late, do you want to head back?”

Natasha didn’t move. “You can go. I’m going to stay a little while longer.”

Clint sighed, but nodded. “Okay. I’ll let everyone know you need time. Here,” He said, laying his jacket next to her, “in case it gets cold.”

Natasha nodded, hugging her knees a little tighter. “Thanks” She hated how small she felt. So weak, so alone. She hated that you weren’t next to her, showering her in kisses that she always pretended not to want. God, she wanted your kisses more than air. She wanted to see you smile again, to hear you laugh at her snark. She wanted to feel your hand in hers as you walked down the street talking about whatever silly thing struck your fancy.

She swallowed down the lump in her throat as a chill wind started to blow. It was almost night now, the sun was just barely peeking out from below the horizon. Hap it really been that long? Somehow it had simultaneously felt like only a few minutes, and a few centuries. She shivered against the chilly air as she reluctantly stood up. The cemetery was likely to close soon.

She walked out of the cemetery almost mechanically. She was prepared to lose so much in her life, but nothing ever prepared her to lose you. She paused at the cemetery’s gates. She didn’t want to go home, to the apartment you and her shared, knowing you would never step foot in it again. Sighing, she turned away from the direction of the apartment, and instead began to walk towards bed-stuy.

Maybe it would be better for her to more back in to the avengers compound. Clint and Steve would no doubt be glad to help. She wouldn’t need to step foot in the apartment if she didn’t want to. No. That felt too much like running away, running away from her life, and from you. She couldn’t do that to your memory.

She didn’t know what time it was when she ended up in front of Clint’s door, but it was late. Nevertheless, he answered the door almost immediately when she knocked. Clint was good like that. “I thought you’d come by. Come on, I made coffee.” He said, stepping to the side, free of judgement.

She followed him into the kitchen where a warm cup of coffee was waiting for her. She sighed once more, letting the cup warm her fingers. “It still barely feels real.” She finally said after several minutes of silence.

Clint nodded in understanding, already pouring himself another cup. “You can’t rush these things. She was important to you. You have to give yourself time to grieve.” He squeezed her shoulder before adding, “I’m always here for you.”

Natasha took a deep breath and nodded. “Is it okay if I stay here for a few days? I’m not ready to go back.”

“Did you think you had to ask?” He said, eyebrow raised. “Your always welcome here. Right Lucky?” He looked over at the sleeping golden retriever, who snored in response. “See? Lucky agrees.” The ghost of a smile spread across Natasha’s face. As painful as losing you was, she couldn’t let it consume her. You wouldn’t have wanted that.

It took a week for her to finally be ready to go back to the apartment, but nothing prepared her for what she saw inside. She froze as she saw your small form sitting on the window sill looking at the street below. “Y/N?” Her voice cracked for the first time all week.

You looked at her with a sheepish grimace. “Hey, love.”

She shook her head, stepping closer. “I, I buried you.” Tears threatened to spill over for the first time since she was told you died.

You stood up, meeting her half way in the room. “I know, I’m so sorry Natasha. I didn’t want to do it.” You pulled her into your arms as a weeks worth of bottled emotions tore through her.

Anger. Sorrow. Joy. Relief. She shook her head as the tears finally began to fall, clinging to you as tightly as she could. “I thought I lost you. They, they told me you died.” She said between sobs. Oh god, this was real, you were real. “And I screamed. I screamed until my lungs hurt too much to continue.” 

You stroked her hair as she cried, cursing yourself for letting it turn out this way. “I know love, I know. I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you so badly. I didn’t want to hurt you like this. It’s my fault and I’m sorry.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Natasha asked, relief now turning to anger.

“I fucked up. The mission I was on, I fucked it up. Bad. Hill forced me to burn my identity, to keep my family safe. She wouldn’t let me tell anyone.” You explained, tears prickling in your own eyes. “I’m so sorry Natasha, please forgive me.”

She held you even tighter in her arms. She should be angry. She should be enraged. She knew that. But she couldn’t bring herself to be, not truly. She had you back. The one thing she wanted since the moment she lost you. She couldn’t be angry after finally getting you back. “If you ever do this again, I’ll kill you myself” She decided, tears finally slowing. “I never want to lose you again.” She whispered, kissing you softly on the lips.


End file.
